this is a story about my own departure from the Way We’re Supposed To Do Things. i thought i’d share because i like for other people who follow their instincts – over that lulling call of assimilation – to know they’re in good company. i’m asked a lot of similar questions, and have been encouraged to write this story down, so i’m giving it a try. i hope to entertain, provoke, and answer your questions… in equal measure.
here’s how it all started, for those of you who don’t want to dig back to my first posting…
a year ago, a lover I was only mildly interested in suddenly presented with a bizarre range of sudden childhood issues, turned non-communicative, and suggested I talk to the therapist.
therapist? we’d been dating a month.
I was wrapped in one of those half-quilted hotel blankets, sitting on the floor of a hotel room on a rotary phone, at a wedding I’d learned last-minute I’d be attending alone.
“well I’m having a baby with or without you. either way” I announced.
clearly I was talking to myself. not unlike that thing I’d said a decade earlier: “If I don’t have a baby by the time I’d 35 I’m doing it myself.”
hmm… a project. but one you kind of have to sneak up on. one day I found myself thinking “hey, what happens when I have to travel for work? I’m going to be one of those people with a handful of Crying Baby Everyone Hates.” and I whipped around and got into a stupid relationship, wasted another month. woah, this is heavy stuff.
I mean, every realization is crazy stunning, like a sudden immersion in something you never had to breathe before. like that time my boat flipped and I found myself immediately upside down in the river, feet strapped in, no time to think… “what is this warm flowy non-air stuff?” uh. It happens fast like that, so really obvious things about being a parent hit you like a new language that’s emitted from some other orifice.
I gave myself a year to think about it. that was a new year’s resolution. november of 07.
that was a good idea, it took a long time to wade through all those scary details. I seem to be launching into the doing phase, having graduated (at least temporarily) beyond being startled by the cost of daycare (not thinking about that NOT thinking about that), and actually weighing the pros and cons of using my first two vials of purchased sperm (from a neuroscience major nicknamed “Van” – cuz it’s more memorable than his sperm bank #) vs. a known donor/dad I’ve been vaguely fantasizing with for years. we meet in our favorite smoky windowless gay bar in a small midwestern town and imagine our very own Weetzie Bat.
still pondering.
Hi
I ~*~LOVE~*~ your blog (I saw your post on Thinking) and now your blog is now one of my other favorites that I have bookmarked
I’m an almost 39 year old straight female who is in the (hopefully) last month of charting. I’m doing this for the first time ever, alone, by choice…at my age :O
Don’t feel bad about wasting one month. I wasted 5 years on the last one. Great…5 years of wasted fertility (if any left!) I’m happy and anxiously awaiting what is in store for me next month. (The Dr. is going to go over my chart, and order a FSH test is all I know so far)
I thank you for your candid blog…it helps me a lot in knowing what I will be going through *very* soon.
Sending you {{{baby dust}}} and wishing you a safe and happy holiday blessings…may all your dreams come true!
At least you’re in your 30′s!
I always wanted a big family (I am number 5 out of 6 kids) but somehow never found Mr Right. I must have zigged when he zagged.
I turned 42 and my baby sister announced she was adopting a baby from China. (She’s single although she has a long-term boyfriend) And I realized that while I am ok with being single, at the end of my life I would regret never having a child. The thought of never being a mom was more devastating and terrifying than venturing into new territory.
So I started seriously thinking about single motherhood, whether to adopt or get myself pregnant. I want to experience it all so I went to several doctors (yeah, they treat you like you’re infertile even though you’ve never tried to get pregnant), picked a donor, got myself pregnant through IUI and here I am, 43 with a 3 month old son, my heart’s desire, the love of my life.
So totally worth it.
Found out about your blog from someone who really admires you. It’s really great. Reading this brought back so many memories.
My lesbian partner and I went through all this 20 years ago. All that waiting and ovulation checking etc. is such a drag. I hated that part so much. We finally took a break to I could finish graduate school and started again a few years later. She was 39 by then, so we just went straight to the fertility doctor. It was so worth it! Got pregnant is two months. Then it was all obsessing about the birth.
I can tell you that once the kid is born, all this other stuff really falls back into perspective. It really becomes all about being a mother. And, there’s just nothing like it! If you want it, just persist. We now have twin daughters who are almost 15 and they are an absolute joy.