… is all I could think about Thursday. Technically I’m not doing exactly the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I switch up the variables, all the while feeling an unsettling conflict between the unknowable mojo of this enterprise and my need to feel like I’m making rational progress… as though unharnessing my analytical problem solving skills will actually do any good. This is what makes me feel insane.
I did what I usually do on the day of a negative test: stomped around, cried angrily to my mother, and then, between meetings, spent much of the morning on the web and phone alternating between the clinic and sperm bank making my next Highly Rational Plan, which is Undeniably More Likely To Succeed Than The Last Attempt.
Yes, insane. But apparently this is how we’re supposed to do this and I can’t find any book, article, or website suggesting otherwise.
So I’m choosing a new donor. I’ve decided that, since I can’t meet these guys and see if our phermones are doing the immediate cha-cha together, I’m going with blood type. Don’t even say it. Yes, I’m beyond even mentioning how deeply the woo woo has entered my state of fractured reasoning. Maybe this is inevitable. Anyway, turns out a lot of people (so far 3) that I’ve felt some kind of core connection with over the years have been type O, and so am I, so don’t knock it.
My old favorite – not Van – is an O and so is the new guy. I’m calling him Jerry. I don’t know why, it came to me on the plane.
I’m also traveling too much. But I’m not blaming this last failure on my inability to lie prone with an IV of local, organic fluids for two weeks and let the egg implant. I think it was a bad egg. That happens, you know. Maybe we can up my dose of follicle-inflating drugs so I can have more than one egg and be less prone to the vagaries of a bad one. Risk of twins, yes yes, well that’s another song. And still better than none at all. We’ll cross that bridge if it ever shows up folks, first things first.
I wonder if I should also have my uterus filled with dyed water (yes, it’s an extremely high-tech procedure) to find out if my little uterine hoses are twisted up. That’s on my list of October to-do’s as well. I’m traveling all month, so I get to settle down and do these experiments for a while and plan for another go in November…
Hope Jerry will be the one!