like most things, it seems.
frozen sperm is kind of delicate. and expensive. friends of mine who’ve gone through the in vitro experience would disagree, but it’s all relative. the sperm i bought this month is the same price as my typical monthly credit card bill, without the diversity of a late-night splurge at amazon.com, prenatal vitamins, netflix, ovulation kits, and props for an upcoming drag show.
no matter, i really did it. 4 vials of Van’s sperm are waiting for me at the sperm bank and their motility is good, i think. i’m hoping they remember how to swim when i get around to thawing them. now i’m reading and re-reading my books on fertility and insemination, unscientifically triangulating the advice in bits and pieces to come up with some special grecian formula just for me. it’s like reading a menu when you’re really hungry. “bruschetta meatloaf with onion glaze and peach ice cream…” or something. not quite what the doctor ordered.
one thing is clear, because they’re all saying it: you’re supposed to see a confluence of Three Signs before you inseminate. and most women inseminate too late. more than three is even better, says the most intensely detailed book. but this same book also thinks i should inseminate with all of Van at once, and no one else is telling me to blow $2000 in one cycle. so back off nelly.
3 signs. i have a bunch of tantalizing options to choose from:
- take your temperature at the same time every morning … would require a regular sleep schedule. not happening.
- cervical mucus… check. i thought this was the easiest one, but now i’m reading that it can be easy to miss that special slippery kind by touch alone unless you also peer into the toilet every time you pee… light conditions aren’t always optimal. i’m already tired of staring at my vitamin-infused urine and washing my hands before and after every bathroom visit.
- cervical position… can be determined by feel or by looking at it. and looking at it you get to see if it’s staring back or not, which can also be helpful information. so i made a mental note that i needed a speculum, and found myself a few days later walking through the castro with two fabulous drag king friends, one of whom declared that he’d needed a couple of speculums for a performance recently and had found them at the porn shop just down the street. so we wandered into Rock Hard, surveyed their impressive display of speculii, (nearly dropped $30 for the gorgeous red enamel) and finally settled on a good ol’ fashioned silver instrument of vaginal torture. went home and tried it. needed help holding the mirror and flashlight (!) before finally locating a very distant, recalcitrant cervix. eye firmly closed. not anxious to do that again.
- ferning… this sounds so cool. apparently your spit (or cervical mucus) looks like… well… spit, most of the time, when viewed under a microscope. but when you’re having an LH surge (hello hormones prepping to drop an egg), it looks like ferns. the plant. i haven’t tried this yet, but i’m keen to, as soon as i lose my suspicion that i’m being charged $30 for a My First Science Kit.
- woo woo factors… this might include the moon, insomnia, voluptuousness, me so horny, vivid dreams, “feeling” an egg descend, and changes in appetite. i don’t know about you, but i’m fairly certain the stilton cheese i overindulged in last night is going to have more of a noticeable impact on this stuff than a miniscule egg taking a hike through my nether regions.
so… what does that leave me with? i made my own chart, an excel file. let me know if you need one, you can use mine.
This is so interesting — I had no idea how any of this worked! Thanks for sharing your story. I can’t wait to hear what happens next.